Another restless night

CW: #depression #sadness #defeatism #chronicillness

5:36am Friday morning, no sleep. Right now reflecting on #friendships, current broken and lost. #Conflict has been the cornerstone of my relationships. Conflict perhaps most have likely written off as the #angry tirades of a #sick man; and perhaps reasonably so.

I wrote not long ago about a #psychiatry appointment. It went extremely well on multiple fronts, but it did leave me with an understanding of where I am now. On a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being the most mentally ill, I am a 5: “Markedly Ill”.

I share this because that's what I do, I share authentically. If I hide forever, I do a disservice to others with mental #illness. I'm intelligent, strong, and capable. I'm also sick, and no I'm not just talking about the Multiple Sclerosis. I'm talking about the #anxiety, the explosive episodes of uncontrolled #emotion, the #obesity, the constant #pain, the chronic #fatigue, the headaches, the scratching... unpleasant to read? It's more unpleasant to live.

All the while, much has been expected of me. How does someone who grew up in gifted programs in school end up so useless? How can so much potential be thrown by the wayside? Surely it's my fault. My childhood was great. Things got dicey later, sure, but I was always supported and loved by my #family. What excuse do I have to be this way?

Why do I keep pushing everyone away, when all I want is for someone to care?

I couldn't tell you, because I suffer these quandaries daily.

I am on #Fluoxetine now, without noticeable side-effects. I feel a lot better on it in general, but I do still feel sad. #Sadness is such a consistent state in my life. I'm always #sad. I don't wish it to be this way. It just is.

Cautiously #optimistic, though. Maybe #therapy will be the #catalyst for #positive #change in my life.

Profile Picture featuring KVVPA's mascot - K V V P Λ  [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.