Destiny

I'm not a Christian. I was a Christian during my youth and into my early twenties. Many things have pushed me away from church, and many things have pushed me away from belief. The belief I hold now is simply that I don't know much, and that's okay.

When I was a 'believer', I certainly felt like I knew what was best. I felt like I was in the know, and all the others were lost souls. It's to no surprise then that friendships that I made during that era have mostly become futile to maintain. If I am not part of the club, then I am now the lost soul for which to feel pity toward.

Although my doctrine and creed regards only what I do not know, I still find myself believing in some type of mystical influence or form of spiritual destiny. So much has happened yet for some reason, when you reach the other side of hardship and struggle, there's always a sense that you needed to suffer in the ways that you did in order to be where you're at now.

I've lost so much looking from the outside, but the things I have gained and continue to gain are far superior to me. When I'm present and enjoying right now for what life is, I am fulfilled in that moment. I have more moments like that in recent times than I have in years. When I was obsessed with social media, social groups, and my image, I was unhappy. I'm fatter, lonelier, have less going for me, but I'm happier. It's bizarre, but it's my truth.

Not to say that I'm HAPPY-happy (joy joy?). I'm still depressed. But my life is better than before. That's an important thing for me to remind myself of. I had more “people”, more “influence”, more “social interaction”, more “respect”, more “followers”, but less joy. Less peace. Less satisfaction. Less presence. Less meaningful moments. Less meaningful relationships. Less of the things that actually matter.

Today I spent time with my sister and nieces. I goofed off with family. I shot some texts back and forth with someone who has suddenly come back into my life. I watched cartoons. I ate food. I did nothing spectacular, and it was just fine.

Maybe I'm just a broken messed up guy missing his eternal soul, but today was pretty good. I hope tomorrow is good, too.

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30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.