I guess I'm insane now

CW: #sadness #depression #mentalillness #chronicillness #trauma #multiplesclerosis

In the spirit of being far too transparent about my personal life, let's talk about what it's like to be insane.

Can an insane person be self-aware enough to recognize that they are insane? Most people don't want to admit something like that. We use nice terms like major depression, generalized anxiety and attention-deficit. Hey, they're nicer than #insane.

I've been struggling for awhile now, and embarrassingly in a public way (due to social media, which I'm obviously avoiding now). Locally, I was a bit of a public figure. Community leader, activist, live music promoter... I have raised tens of thousands of dollars for charity, met people from all over the world, and have been involved with incredibly interesting projects in creative spaces.

Then in 2016 I was hospitalized for over a month and diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. A day before I was released from the hospital, I found out a family member had been arrested.

The ensuing years after that have been filled with tragedy, horror, loss, pain, and misery. The sheer quantity of bad events that have occurred in my world since the moment I noticed something weird in my leg is staggering. When I get into more detail, people show a mixture of shock and slight disbelief. I won't bother you with that.

Of course it is now 2021. 5 years of intense hardship has passed and it has granted me brand spanking new mental and physical illnesses that I try desperately to control every day. I'm buried in a congested and frustrating medical system, despite being someone with above-average intelligence. I am now set off by minute inconveniences such as misplaced items or unexpected tasks.

I am genuinely worried about my future. How the hell will I reintegrate into society? How will I work? Will I ever be able to maintain a single healthy relationship? I don't see how. All I can see is myself wasting away. Which is probably the depression talking, but it is what it is.

I'm still going to all my appointments and taking all the damn pills and shots. I'm just not sure why anymore.

Profile Picture featuring KVVPA's mascot - K V V P Λ  [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.