K V V P Λ . B ᄂ Ө G

find your heart and hope for better days

CW: #sadness #depression #mentalillness #chronicillness #trauma #multiplesclerosis

In the spirit of being far too transparent about my personal life, let's talk about what it's like to be insane.

Can an insane person be self-aware enough to recognize that they are insane? Most people don't want to admit something like that. We use nice terms like major depression, generalized anxiety and attention-deficit. Hey, they're nicer than #insane.

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Okay, so I have a pseudo-name and care about data privacy. But I am not a private person. I'm not in hiding, doing anything nefarious, or really even politically involved (at this stage in my life). I left Facebook and Instagram and whatnot, but I didn't stop posting online. My photos are on #Pixelfed, including my face and pictures of family members. My “tweets” are on #Mastodon. My messenger is on #Matrix. My blog is on write.as. I have a website to easily access this information, I have an e-mail address, I have a phone number, and I even have a fax number.

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From every corner of society, there is no longer a need to care about others. “You take care of you and yours,” they say. Self-care, emotional maturity, something or other, yada yada.

Obviously self-care is important, but if it accounts for 100% of your life, odds are you’re not truly living. The missing component is the glorious comeback. If you aren’t giving of yourself to the world, you’re probably not making a difference in it.

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“Why would someone #disconnect socially? There must be something wrong with them.”

I know this is how people see the decisions I've made. The thing is: now that I am on the right brain-meds and I'm thinking clearly, I still know that I've done the correct thing with social media. There are so many reasons to disconnect from big #social; mental health, facebook's dirty ways, #toxic minds spewing hatred and nonsense all day. #Twitter, #Facebook, #Instagram, #Snapchat, #TikTok, it's all toxic as fuck. Every single one of them panders to the highest bidder and stores/sells your personal data with the purpose of manipulating you.

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CW: #Eczema

Slight disclaimer: This blog is coming off like a medical/wellness blog, but it’s just my focus right now. This is just a “me” blog. In the gen z and millennial generation, this isn’t enough- everyone needs a “niche”. I don’t have one, I have many interests. So onto the topic at hand.

I have suffered from severe eczema my entire life, including during infancy. While I’ve certainly had a heaping serving of health problems throughout my life, this one tops the list as my biggest burden; worse than MS thusfar, worse than morbid obesity, worse than anything.

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CW: #therapy #depression

Okay well, I can't say I know if it's dumb or not. I've attempted 3 or 4 times already though, and every time has been terrible. Yesterday included.

I've been using this platform (Amwell) that doesn't take my insurance, because I've had such bad luck in-network. I was really lucky to find a great psychiatrist on there. Unfortunately my search for talk therapy has been less successful. The first person cancelled on me with no reason and hardly any notice (funny how they can do that without incurring no-show fees). The second person I put my all into the session, and she springs on me at the end that she isn't taking clients.

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CW: #depression #sadness #defeatism #chronicillness

5:36am Friday morning, no sleep. Right now reflecting on #friendships, current broken and lost. #Conflict has been the cornerstone of my relationships. Conflict perhaps most have likely written off as the #angry tirades of a #sick man; and perhaps reasonably so.

I wrote not long ago about a #psychiatry appointment. It went extremely well on multiple fronts, but it did leave me with an understanding of where I am now. On a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being the most mentally ill, I am a 5: “Markedly Ill”.

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There used to be a venue in Western Washington that was host to a vibrant alternative music scene. That's not what this is going to be about, because that place died when the shows died.

This is about a Dilla worker who decided to treat my family and I like garbage today. I don't really need to recap the details. Simply: we were unexpectedly treated viciously and unfairly by a complete stranger.

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CW: #trauma, #prescriptiondrugs, #therapy, #marijuana, #depression, #anxiety, #adhd.

Today, I am doing something I have long put off: I'm seeing a #psychiatrist (yep, that's right. I air out everything. It's truly a sickness of mine).

I'd be dishonest if I ignored the fact that the last 5+ years of my life have been awful. There's all the typical “Joey shit” going on; bitterness about the past, not knowing what path to take next, self-loathing- BUT there's 5 years of really, really, really traumatic stuff layered on top.

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...and so I say: hello!

My name is Joey, online I go by KVVPA. Imagine the V's as O's and that's the pronunciation.

A few days ago I decided (not the first time, I admit) to can the social media accounts. My only exception will be for if/when I need to promote something. Right now I'm getting ready to go back to school and trying to get my brain and body healthy. I have nothing to promote.

At some point I will stream again on Twitch. If that happens I'll set up some “IFTTT”-type system to post on the Facebook page, Instagram, and Twitter. I won't install those apps again (including messenger) unless a complete overhaul is done on how they handle personal data.

Not an exciting post, but it's the first post nonetheless. I can be found still in a few places, which will update as I join more freedom-respecting online services.

I may port over some blog entries from the various places. Only the good ones, though. So be on the lookout!

Profile Picture featuring KVVPA's mascot - K V V P Λ  [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw, I like to share what's on my mind! I used to be an all-ages show promoter and I've been involved with numerous creative projects over the years. My interests include loud music, sp00ky stuff, 90's era nickelodeon, tech, writing, crafting, self-care, nintendo, live streaming & much more. I have a yorkie-poo named Toby and I am raising 6 goofy, temperamental hens. 🐔

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