K V V P Λ . B ᄂ Ө G

find your heart and hope for better days

The world's gone crazy, they say. Well I don't think it's different. What's different is our awareness. This has led to mostly bad things but I can't honestly say it's all bad. #MeToo held accountable men who had never been held accountable. #BlackLivesMatter has alerted us to systemic racism and police brutality that was admittedly not on my radar. I always knew that women were paid less and that cops were less forgiving to black people, but I definitely did not realize how prevalent and severe these problems were and are.

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Guy at computer wearing spooky mask from the movie Scream I have not been paid by anyone mentioned. These opinions are my own, and I’m not above changing my mind if new information presents itself. I originally posted this on dev.to on Nov 16, 2020.

I want to preface with the fact that I am not a software engineer.

I’ve worn many hats in my 33 years; small business owner, live show promoter, cable technician, cell phone salesman… but nothing requiring deep technical knowledge. A little extra to-know about me, I have ADHD and I have not had success within the traditional higher-education ecosystem despite multiple attempts.

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I was very interested in #technology growing up. As a child I owned a Tyco video camera, which was my first introduction to making videos. The #Tyco #camera was a toy for kids that recorded directly to a VCR, which means that in order to use it I had to be tethered by an RCA cable.

My brothers and I made mostly nonsense #videos of us playing and giggling, but we also did sketch comedy with toys and ourselves in the video. I remember a Ty beanie baby named Inky (an octopus, naturally) and a Koosh ball we named Harry. They would frequently star in fake movie trailers. Inky would swing across the screen as Indiana Jones, or get attacked by a toy T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

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two years good, one year bad, some over one, but you see none, maybe the words left your tongue in haste, a mistake. easy is gratifying in the moment, hard paths are deep joy that's rewarding. you've made your decision, and when you start turning, you'll see regret in your reflection, and only wish you could make a retraction.

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CW: #sadness #depression #mentalillness #chronicillness #trauma #multiplesclerosis

In the spirit of being far too transparent about my personal life, let's talk about what it's like to be insane.

Can an insane person be self-aware enough to recognize that they are insane? Most people don't want to admit something like that. We use nice terms like major depression, generalized anxiety and attention-deficit. Hey, they're nicer than #insane.

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Okay, so I have a pseudo-name and care about data privacy. But I am not a private person. I'm not in hiding, doing anything nefarious, or really even politically involved (at this stage in my life). I left Facebook and Instagram and whatnot, but I didn't stop posting online. My photos are on #Pixelfed, including my face and pictures of family members. My “tweets” are on #Mastodon. My messenger is on #Matrix. My blog is on write.as. I have a website to easily access this information, I have an e-mail address, I have a phone number, and I even have a fax number.

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From every corner of society, there is no longer a need to care about others. “You take care of you and yours,” they say. Self-care, emotional maturity, something or other, yada yada.

Obviously self-care is important, but if it accounts for 100% of your life, odds are you’re not truly living. The missing component is the glorious comeback. If you aren’t giving of yourself to the world, you’re probably not making a difference in it.

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“Why would someone #disconnect socially? There must be something wrong with them.”

I know this is how people see the decisions I've made. The thing is: now that I am on the right brain-meds and I'm thinking clearly, I still know that I've done the correct thing with social media. There are so many reasons to disconnect from big #social; mental health, facebook's dirty ways, #toxic minds spewing hatred and nonsense all day. #Twitter, #Facebook, #Instagram, #Snapchat, #TikTok, it's all toxic as fuck. Every single one of them panders to the highest bidder and stores/sells your personal data with the purpose of manipulating you.

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CW: #Eczema

Slight disclaimer: This blog is coming off like a medical/wellness blog, but it’s just my focus right now. This is just a “me” blog. In the gen z and millennial generation, this isn’t enough- everyone needs a “niche”. I don’t have one, I have many interests. So onto the topic at hand.

I have suffered from severe eczema my entire life, including during infancy. While I’ve certainly had a heaping serving of health problems throughout my life, this one tops the list as my biggest burden; worse than MS thusfar, worse than morbid obesity, worse than anything.

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CW: #therapy #depression

Okay well, I can't say I know if it's dumb or not. I've attempted 3 or 4 times already though, and every time has been terrible. Yesterday included.

I've been using this platform (Amwell) that doesn't take my insurance, because I've had such bad luck in-network. I was really lucky to find a great psychiatrist on there. Unfortunately my search for talk therapy has been less successful. The first person cancelled on me with no reason and hardly any notice (funny how they can do that without incurring no-show fees). The second person I put my all into the session, and she springs on me at the end that she isn't taking clients.

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