Today, I am doing something I have long put off: I'm seeing a #psychiatrist (yep, that's right. I air out everything. It's truly a sickness of mine).
I'd be dishonest if I ignored the fact that the last 5+ years of my life have been awful. There's all the typical “Joey shit” going on; bitterness about the past, not knowing what path to take next, self-loathing- BUT there's 5 years of really, really, really traumatic stuff layered on top.
It's something I tell myself I'm going to do constantly. Hundreds of times I've broke out the laptop and a notebook and started planning my way out of this hell. I've read books, I've taken courses, I've meditated, I've sought reconciliation with people who have hurt me (I don't recommend it), and I've tried more prescription #medications and mary jane strain variations than a trap rapper.
Nothing's helped. I concede: I need help. But I am really bad at asking for it. I don't know why I am as prideful as I am. I'm sure there's some childhood connection, I don't know. Maybe the psychiatrist will shed light on it.
I'm hesitant because I have, in fact, tried #counseling before. I remember four separate occasions:
- Guy was really weird, a little too “buddy buddy”, just printed out worksheets. I really feel like the worksheet thing is a bad first day move, like, it's some lazy shit is it not? Dude doesn't even know what's going on with me yet.
- Crazy guy! Oh my gosh. It was in a little house, for starters. I go into his “office” and it looks like a tropical greenhouse; plants EVERYWHERE, and strangely cats everywhere. The worst part was the session itself. He waxed philosophic while sipping tea for 45 minutes and I didn't even get a word in.
- A very basic session with a lady, but I admit that you can't get far with only one session, so I didn't give that one a chance if I'm being honest.
- #Psychologist at the #MS center (btw, I have MS. Yay!). Just like coping methods and stuff, she also printed stuff out and recommended meditation apps. I feel like a google search would be more fruitful.
I'm hopeful to find a solution. I'm really ready to live my #life again... be around people again... interact with my loved ones in healthier ways... feel human?
- K V V P Λ [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.