As someone who struggles daily from #anxiety & #depression, among o t h e r t h i n g s, it's difficult sometimes to just calm down and let life be. I am an ambitious and creative person who is deeply empathetic. I'm also someone who has been used and abused by a lot of “friends” and yes, family.
It's hard for me, man. It's hard to wake up. It's hard to fall asleep. My mind is constantly racing, and typically saying unhealthy and negative things to me. I know for certain that I am my own worst enemy. I also have no idea how to change this. I have tried so many things. I really have.
The only things lately that ground me are 1) marijuana and 2) my niece. There's something about a silly toddler running around getting into mischeif that just brings me back to earth. I think she's what's keeping me alive at this point. Just her existance. Watching her learn new things, experience things for the first time, helping her stay out of danger, giving her comfort when she's sad.
Her dad (my brother) can't be in her life much because of horrible reasons; but I have the universe to thank as she's been a true blessing for me as I continue to fight for my own mental sanity and general quality of life as someone with Multiple Sclerosis. I'm also grateful that I can be there for her since her father can't be.
So this post isn't as sad as it led on. It's a post of thanks and gratefulness. I'm thankful for modern medicine. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my goober niece. I'm thankful that there's some small bit of optimism left in my wretched existance.
Okay maybe the post got sad again. Emo 4 lyfe I guess.
- K V V P Λ [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.