In the spirit of being far too transparent about my personal life, let's talk about what it's like to be insane.
Can an insane person be self-aware enough to recognize that they are insane? Most people don't want to admit something like that. We use nice terms like major depression, generalized anxiety and attention-deficit. Hey, they're nicer than #insane.
Okay well, I can't say I know if it's dumb or not. I've attempted 3 or 4 times already though, and every time has been terrible. Yesterday included.
I've been using this platform (Amwell) that doesn't take my insurance, because I've had such bad luck in-network. I was really lucky to find a great psychiatrist on there. Unfortunately my search for talk therapy has been less successful. The first person cancelled on me with no reason and hardly any notice (funny how they can do that without incurring no-show fees). The second person I put my all into the session, and she springs on me at the end that she isn't taking clients.
5:36am Friday morning, no sleep. Right now reflecting on #friendships, current broken and lost. #Conflict has been the cornerstone of my relationships. Conflict perhaps most have likely written off as the #angry tirades of a #sick man; and perhaps reasonably so.
I wrote not long ago about a #psychiatry appointment. It went extremely well on multiple fronts, but it did leave me with an understanding of where I am now. On a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being the most mentally ill, I am a 5: “Markedly Ill”.
Today, I am doing something I have long put off: I'm seeing a #psychiatrist (yep, that's right. I air out everything. It's truly a sickness of mine).
I'd be dishonest if I ignored the fact that the last 5+ years of my life have been awful. There's all the typical “Joey shit” going on; bitterness about the past, not knowing what path to take next, self-loathing- BUT there's 5 years of really, really, really traumatic stuff layered on top.