Trip to Spokane
CW: chronic illness, depression, same shit as usual.
Right now I am sitting in the backseat of my blue Kia Soul. Both my parents and myself are on our way to #Spokane, Washington for the next 4 days. We just made it through the beautiful #Snoqualmie Pass and we're still a few hundred miles away.
Illness has hit my family in a bunch of ways in recent years, not excluding my dad who had a stroke and has to wear a urinary catheter now due to an enlarged prostate. The typical prostate procedure is kind of dangerous but luckily I found a newer one (Prostatic Artery Embolization, or PAE) that isn't as risky, so we are on our way to make it happen for him and hopefully improve his quality of life.
Due to COVID-19 and the other reasons I've been at home with ma and pa and I've been able to carefully observe my father's struggle. When a person shares their health issues with you they are looking for some kind of acknowledgment, a small bit of empathy to get them through the day and onto life's next obstacle.
As someone newly diagnosed with “old guy stuff”, I'm with him, and I bitch a lot. All the cliches about shit going downhill in your 30's have come true for me. Yeah the #MS and stuff, but high blood pressure and arthritis and constant shoulder and hip pain? Really?
Life's tough and occasionally brutal. I want so badly to make sense of it; to figure out how to create a life I'm happy with. By my age my parents were on their third kid (me) and I'm basically at the same spot I was at age 13.
It isn't a matter of not-trying. I try really, really hard.. and sometimes I accomplish really cool and unique things. But I'm broke. I'm always #struggling. I'm never content, secure, or comfortable. It makes me question the purpose of all my trying.
I am not motivated by #money. Money makes people crazy and strips out goodness from their souls. But society requires it for all the OTHER stuff. Having an idea and executing it costs money. Projects cost money. Travel costs money. Food, shelter, you guys know. But I seem to be mentally incapable of linking these together.
I can't be dishonest with myself. I don't want to be rich and I don't care to be seen or praised or have power over others. I just want to live, travel, create art, enjoy community, and contribute positively to the world around me. If I can do all of that without a dollar to my name, my #life will be a success.
My main takeaway lately is this. I have to believe in the things I do and the things/people I support and involve myself with. This is why I have broken up with certain toxic friends. Why I'm focused on self-care and mental health, why I am off big social networks, and why I am choosing to do life a little different lately. I need for my life to be about more than green paper and how much of it I can collect.
But I still need some damn money. Idk how to figure this out, tbh. I KNOW it's #ADHD shit but knowing that doesn't make me any less broken. Can someone loan me their executive function? Like just for a day.
- K V V P Λ [e-mail] [website]
30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.