Understanding and accepting imperfection and purposelessness.

I'm embarrassed. Of myself? Sure. I've gone on and on here about that. I look back, ponder my past, ponder my interactions, ponder by life story; I'm not proud of much (though I am proud of a few things). No, I'm onto some blame shifting today: embarrassed for those who have let me down. Embarrassed for those who continually let themselves down. I also empathize. I share in this embarrassment.

Greatness is an aspiration for most of us, for some unknown reason. This is rooted in our ego primarily. We all think we're special, deserving, entitled, gifted, and intended for some grand purpose. This is simply delusion. None of us are any of those things. We're a copy of a copy of a copy. We came into existence from nothing. We will disappear into nothing.

This revelation comes to everyone at some point, yet we tend to drift in and out of its mental acknowledgement. The ego is a bitch. It claws it's little way out of our fragile minds to make the same mistakes, hurt others, and generally not live up to our potential. This is all because of the falsity that we matter. We really fucking don't.

I have 'manned up' on many occasions, returning to people who have wronged me (or I them) with genuine vulnerability, seeking reconciliation or at least some resolve. I have been disappointed every single time. This isn't because we're all evil; we're all just terribly conceited.

How could I be the one who hurt you? I am me, after all.

No no, I don't remember it that way. No no, you just took it the wrong way. No no, there's no way that in all my glory and perfection I could have ever done something... dare I say, wrong?

My belief about the meaning of my life has been coming into focus for me. As life is significantly difficult and filled with suffering and disappointment, the only way forward is to try with all my might to contribute less to the suffering and disappointment of others. As much less as humanly possible.

There's no magic technique, no program, nothing to buy, nothing to do at all other than try to live life the best we can. Never folding into disingenuous actions, always being true to our heart. Being present in subtle moments. Handling life problems with gentle compassion and understanding for the other. Being refreshed by a cool breeze. Immersing into the sheer joy of a child's laughter. Feeling the sand in between our toes. Cuddling up with a soft blanket. Listening to our favorite bands. Laughing. Complimenting. Being courteous.

It's much simpler than we make it. But, as I said, the ego is a bitch.

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30-something, he/him, pnw. “Retired” show promoter and scene kid, a not-very-good gamer, depressed most of the time. I'm big into music, animation (old Nickelodeon), spooky things, self-care, and my family.