writing only when i'm down is disingenuous, too

When I started this blog, it was partially my reaction to rampant 'fakeness' via social media. Back in the day, we'd write on our public bloggers and livejournals and it was cathartic. People would respond. You'd follow each other's blogs and let those deep feelings and thoughts out without (too much) fear of being judged.

The internet of now is more about manipulating human psychology for clicks, likes, and ultimately attention. And while I found that to be valuable in an earlier time of my life, I no longer find that valuable. I want the real-real. I want to interact with people who are accepting and kind. I want to not have to put up a front to be respected. I don't want to feel pressure to think a specific way, act a certain way, be outraged by the right or wrong things...

But in my effort to be truly authentic on my isolated internet island here, I forgot to disclose that my life isn't so damn bad.

I have a lot of down times. I'm 34, I'm single, I have health issues, I'm depressed. But these do not encapsulate the entirety of my life. I just tend to write in moments of weakness. It took a post that went a little too far for me to see that my blog has a undeniably negative tone. Not every writing of mine needs to be public. Most probably shouldn't.

And if every post is negative, I'm technically guilty of being disingenuous all the same.

I hope to remain authentic, but perhaps show a little more of myself than the bad stuff. I have moments of darkness like everyone does. Not every post will be flowers and unicorns. But my life isn't just darkness.

I have access to all my senses. I can walk. I have a loving and caring family. I have a few friends who accept me for who I am. Music, art, family, and love fills the majority of my days. I am happy and happy to be alive. And anyone reading my public blog should see that side of things, too.

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he/him, pnw. washed up scene kid, gamer who’s bad at games, lovable geek. i live for good music, spooky things, animation, my family, and authentic interactions with kind people.