A solemn anthem sung by a talented young girl. I imagine the millions of people, men and women, listening to this song and feeling all sorts of feelings. What does it make you feel? Guilt? Pain?
It's a reality that power dynamics are always at play in every interaction we have. This dance is most evident in romantic relationships, but it's also true about our friendships and family relationships. The fact is: we have all been on the input and output side of this. We've all abused our power at some point. We've all done something to get what we want at the expense of someone else's feelings, or worse.
Placing enough years between 'then' and 'now', my past doesn't feel real. Perhaps because it wasn't. Personal significance is the idea I was chasing. This concept of mattering, mostly to others and not myself. Others that were also seeking their own significance. Their own notoriety. Their own status, within whatever culture or subculture they felt inclined to prove themselves.
I'm embarrassed. Of myself? Sure. I've gone on and on here about that. I look back, ponder my past, ponder my interactions, ponder by life story; I'm not proud of much (though I am proud of a few things). No, I'm onto some blame shifting today: embarrassed for those who have let me down. Embarrassed for those who continually let themselves down. I also empathize. I share in this embarrassment.
Greatness is an aspiration for most of us, for some unknown reason. This is rooted in our ego primarily. We all think we're special, deserving, entitled, gifted, and intended for some grand purpose. This is simply delusion. None of us are any of those things. We're a copy of a copy of a copy. We came into existence from nothing. We will disappear into nothing.
So some time back I mentioned that I had found a psychiatrist. This was true, and she is great; but she is not a therapist in the talk-therapy way. I've tried talk therapy more than a handful of times with bad results, but a few days ago I ended up in a session with an existential therapist (not sure the significance of that, mostly noting it for my own sake. I need to google that shit) who was really good at his job. As in, it basically ruined my day, lol.
As someone who struggles daily from #anxiety & #depression, among o t h e r t h i n g s, it's difficult sometimes to just calm down and let life be. I am an ambitious and creative person who is deeply empathetic. I'm also someone who has been used and abused by a lot of “friends” and yes, family.
In 2016 my life completely changed. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a terrifying time. Unfortunately for me, the tragedies had only begun. My life was swept up in a whirlwind of misfortune. Just as Job suffered, my family and I suffered. Loss, illness, broken relationships, abuse, legal battles; it's been a nightmare..
An introdution occurred through a mutual friend shortly after my DX. She was somebody around my age who had a more severe case of MS than mine; nevertheless greeted me online with warmth and acceptance. She had been struggling with secondary progressive MS, and had words of encouragement for me. When I met her in person, she was in-patient at Swedish in Seattle, Washington.
CW: chronic illness, depression, same shit as usual.
Right now I am sitting in the backseat of my blue Kia Soul. Both my parents and myself are on our way to #Spokane, Washington for the next 4 days. We just made it through the beautiful #Snoqualmie Pass and we're still a few hundred miles away.
Illness has hit my family in a bunch of ways in recent years, not excluding my dad who had a stroke and has to wear a urinary catheter now due to an enlarged prostate. The typical prostate procedure is kind of dangerous but luckily I found a newer one (Prostatic Artery Embolization, or PAE) that isn't as risky, so we are on our way to make it happen for him and hopefully improve his quality of life.