kvvpa.blog

find your heart and hope for better days

We're nearly halfway through 2022. There's plenty to say, but I'd say in general things are on the up n' up. There has been some down points this year for sure. We lost my grandma (Gammy). There's been a few other trials. What's nice is I seem to be emotionally handling things better than before. Huge win for me.

I just spent the weekend with some friends. We rented an airbnb and went to a sold-out show at El Corazon in Seattle. This was a nice step for me to get out into the real world again. The few days away from home really helped my brain. I don't know why but I always need to get away for clarity and peace of mind. I need to remember this truth about myself.

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I still be out here vomiting emotions onto a blog on the internet. Not many people seem to do much of that these days. There's this constant striving to show your life in a joyous light instead. Look at these great smiling happy photos! Look at these successes! Look at these interesting things that I do! Look how strong and tough I am, with my public opinions and powerful statements.

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Reconnecting with persons-of-old after more than half of a decade has passed is a bizarre thing. You can remember a person to be great, or a person to be not so great, and the entire opposite can be true. Either it was their change or yours; either way, years change you. The years have changed me. It's beneficial to revisit your memories. It has been for me. Sometimes you just get it wrong. But sometimes in revisiting, you gain clarity as to why things turned out the way they did.

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I weigh a god-awful amount. I have my reasons and excuses, but- holy crap. I look as bad as I feel. Thing is, I've started this journey before. Losing weight is hard. And I'm your typical case for morbid obesity; grown up on Mickey D's and never ate my veggies, not a huge fan of exercising. All the components for health disaster.. and when you're younger health just isn't at the forefront of your mind.

I've lost some weight though. :)

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What have I been up to for like, 6.. 7 years? Asked nobody, but that fact aside...

Well there was this period of sad events. Then there was this period of darkness. Then there was insanity. Then there was a period of healing. Now, things are pretty alright. But MAN.

Vague? Yeah intentionally. All you need to know is life unfolds. And things are pretty good these days. That said, I've been in my COVID dungeon quite long enough, and I'm venturing back into the social wild. Partly meaning that I'm on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter again- with my real identities. I am a social person and I really miss having people in my life.

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Are you listening?

The feeling of your chest vibrating to the sounds of driving guitars, drum beats and loud voices. Voices that have spoken your truths and helped you through cold, dark nights. Between screams, utterances, grunts, rhymes and tunings- you feel your pulse. The shared experience is just that much more powerful; excitement building and compounding with every other person's presence.

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I tested positive for COVID a few days ago. My symptoms were relatively minor until they suddenly weren't, and now they seem to be getting a little bit better. Everyone I live with pretty much has it now.

It's funny how when I have these scary moments in my life, I tend to have a perspective shift or motivation of some kind. I've had a sudden resurfacing of feelings regarding my religious history and all the trouble evangelical Christianity caused me.

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You know when you're watching a movie and the lead characters do something unnecessarily reckless? Like, risk their lives out of sheer curiosity? Or how about when you hear stories about a stubborn old fool who refused to leave his house despite plenty of warning that an emergency situation is incoming?

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It's 9PM. No plans. Snow outside. Another lonely night. Another sad track. Another weird moment in my life. I've gone through so much. I'm so different. There's so much to reflect on. There's so much to mourn. There's so much to cry about. There's so much to laugh about. There's so much to be mad about. There's so much to be grateful for.

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When I started this blog, it was partially my reaction to rampant 'fakeness' via social media. Back in the day, we'd write on our public bloggers and livejournals and it was cathartic. People would respond. You'd follow each other's blogs and let those deep feelings and thoughts out without (too much) fear of being judged.

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